Uncharted Waters

I recently started focusing on doing some healing work on myself. I’ve been hoarding junk inside, like empty rusted barrels in an old broken down shed, and I decided that if this is mid life (wow that happened fast) the other half needs to be better than the first half. Also, I’m an adult now and have the luxury of making the decisions for myself, so I want this clutter out of here.

I recently started attending a 12 -step meeting, focusing on what a purpose driven career might look like to me, am trying to be more open and patient with my family (and self), and recently started pulling down some old hobbies and creative outlets from the “trunk in the attic”, if you will, and cracking them open.

So that’s what brings me here, to a place that I’ve spent the first half of my life shunning, a place that’s messy and overgrown with pain – insecurity – shame – loneliness; a place that feels like tar to the soul. With anger and resentment fueling me I lifted the weighted sledge hammer and exploded through the sheetrock and wood framing that held up this mess and stood directly over the cracked concrete slab where it all started.

Why is this still here?

Maybe it is because somewhere within me I have been so pissed that I self righteously wore these shattered pieces of myself like a shield of scales. They were my buy one get one free coupon for those times that I chose to act out, not be accountable for myself, for the distrust of everything, the impulsiveness. They have been ribbons I wore, clanking against my chest, boldly displaying to the world that I’d been a prisoner of war and though I’m not thriving, I’m alive. I’m alive damn it.

What do I do with this?

Now that I’ve identified these invasive weeds and destructive behaviors from the crowded thoughts and feelings that are mashed up within, its time to get plucking! I think the key is to patiently take one day at a time, one insecurity, one painful belief. Just focus on taking small bites, so you don’t choke yourself out. That is the beauty of the journey, we don’t get to cut corners and follow directly behind someone else on their path, we have to make our own. It’s beautiful and hard and its work, but it is our journey – our path to cleave through.

For me, I will gather the weeds of pain and make room for life bearing fruit to take their spot in the soil, such as hope, trust, faith, and love. I will let myself grieve as needed and as I actively participate in the grief those dark clouds start to move away, to be filled with peace – joy- and gratitude.

Like finger prints, each of us have our own personal journey.

I send you overflowing buckets of love and courage when you find yourself entangled on your journey, it can be rough moving forward, but it will be worthwhile. YOU are worth it! – Amanda